Pre-emptive posting

December 2, 2005

With the sue-happy society we live in today, I thought the possibilty of being sued by one of the morons I make fun of, is a possibility. Remote, but a possibility. So, with that in mind I went out and searched for legal precedents to use in case the day ever came. I found it.

FIRST AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE TO THIRD CAUSE OF ACTION

As a First Affirmative Defense to Plaintiff’s Third Cause of Action,
Defendant alleges as follows:
I. The word “asshole” is not a word of specific generic exactitude.The word “asshole,” when used to describe a physical portion of the human body, is a void surrounded by the anal sphincter muscle. On the other hand, when used as a characterization of an individual, the word “asshole” denotes that the individual possesses some or all of the following:

a. His acts or omissions do not conform generally to an accepted pattern among members of a particular social group of which the individual using the characterization is a member.

b. A person who by his conduct causes derision to be heaped upon him by one or more other persons.

c. A person whose conduct has attained the degree of contemptibility such that it defies characterization by any conventional language.

d. A person generally considered by his peers to conduct himself in such a manner as displays a callous disregard for the feelings of other human beings and thus deserving of being shunned and ostracized.

II. Defendant did not intend, nor were his remarks understood by Plaintiff or any other person, to mean that the Plaintiff is in truth and in fact a void surrounded by the anal sphincter muscle. On the other hand, Defendant intended, and Plaintiff and others understood Defendant to mean, that Plaintiff is indeed an “asshole” within the meaning of the colloquialized characterization of an individual as described above.

III. In truth and in fact, Plaintiff is an “asshole.”

The case was dismissed by the Court.

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